Today I was forced to confront scars I still have from my childhood experiences.
At work I have been stuck in a situation where I don’t agree with how a student is treated by the adults, yet I don’t feel like it is my place to address it. It isn’t my classroom (my agency emphasizes to us that we are guests in these classrooms), it isn’t my client. . . but my heart aches for this kid. A woman I work with was actually crying about it the other day.
Why haven’t I said anything?
1. It’s not my place; it’s not my classroom; it’s not my client.
2. I have “fear of man” issues.
3. I have no authority there.
4. I’ve tried modeling appropriate interventions and making subtle comments, which have been dismissed.
5. I give people the benefit of the doubt, and at first I wasn’t sure how this child was behaving in other settings, and if stricter interventions were maybe appropriate. (I’ve seen enough to say now that they are not.)
6. I don’t have the social skills to diplomatically start that kind of confrontation. . . I need to continue working with these people, and I am afraid of “rocking the boat” and creating a hostile environment.
7. I thought about printing out articles and leaving them in there, or filing a “bullying report” to the principal, but there are only a few adults who would know about it, so I couldn’t pull off a true anonymous action.
But then today, in considering talking to a teacher about it, I realized another deep reason.
I became painfully bored in school in 4th grade, so my parents and I decided to try the local Christian school, where we were told I would be able to work at my own pace. I wasn’t, actually. But worse than that, I was no longer with peers who had known me for years. I was the new kid in a small school where the kids had known each other since preschool and weren’t kind to outsiders. This is where the bullying began. It was never physical, just verbal and exclusion. Because I wasn’t getting much more academically out of it, we decided I’d go back to my public school to get re-established with my class before we went to the junior high, where the four elementary schools combine. Out on that blacktop play yard (that I had struggled to photograph years before) we had recess. And I saw three girls, one of whom had been my best friend in kindergarten, being teased. I had just come from a year of knowing what it felt like to be the outsider, to be teased. So I tried to stand up for them. And it backfired brilliantly. I became the fourth target, and I stayed one.
What does this have to do with today?
My 6th grade teacher was standing there. Every day. She was over by the door, watching the kickball game or chatting with another teacher. She was there. She should have seen. She should have heard. She did nothing. And I thought, “What good would it do to tell a grown-up? Won’t it just make it worse if they try to tell them to stop?” So I kept quiet. I rarely talked to my mom about what was going on, because she would have talked to the teacher, who I was afraid wouldn’t do enough and things would be worse instead of better.
Fast-forward. I still have no faith that the powers-that-be will help. I’m afraid it will just make it worse. I’m afraid.
A few weeks ago I read the Divergent Series. That could be another blog post, since I found the topics of genetics and society pertinent to the issue of autism. . . but for now I’ll just warn any other sensitive souls away from reading them. I did not like the ending. Regardless, today I was reminded of a quote from the Dauntless faction’s manifesto:
“We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.”
After months of getting extremely emotional about this situation, and even asking for prayer from my Bible Study group, I decided to talk to a trusted teacher. Not only do I greatly respect her, but I knew that she would agree that what was going on was not okay. Today my schedule opened up to chat with her while her students were at gym class. She validated my thoughts and feelings. She said she would ask another educator for advice about the situation without naming names, and she would let me know what the next step should be.
I’m finally taking another stand against bullies. But this time I have a teacher in my corner who is going to do something about it.