Tag Archives: books

Mini-Review: M in the Middle

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M.

When I reviewed the book M is for Autism, I said I wanted to hear more about this girl who calls herself “M.”  I lost my copy of the book, and when I went on Amazon to buy a new one I discovered the students and their teacher had written a sequel.  I was hand-flapping excited (though I tried to tone that down when I told Mom I ordered them).

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Both books arrived yesterday, and I was so startled by M in the Middle‘s thicker size that for a moment I thought they sent the wrong book.  But no, it’s a longer novel.  I missed the colorful pages of M is for Autism, but they occasionally play with the fonts and type to help M communicate.

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This is what happens when you have autistic girls write a novel about an autistic girl.

 

I re-read M is for Autism last night to prepare for the sequel.  I was a little surprised by *just* how short it is; I think that I was so engrossed in the scenes and M’s mind when I first read it that it felt “bigger.”  I loved it just as much the second time.

I was impressed by the consistency of the character and her voice between the two books.  Our main character and narrator is now in year 8 in England (7th grade, here in the States).  She got her autism diagnosis a year ago, and her wonderful therapist has been helping her understand herself and develop strategies for dealing with her often-crippling anxiety.

I do want to caution those of you who struggle(d) with anxiety.  The authors do an incredible job of provoking empathy for their anxious narrator.  Pretty much any time M was taking deep breaths or using another calming strategy, I found myself taking deep breaths along with her.  I read the book in one day – partly because it was so good, and partly because I didn’t want to drag out my time living in her anxious mind.

We get a fuller picture of M’s life in this longer book.  She deals with INCREDIBLY frustrating adults who do pretty much the opposite of what this poor girl needs, fueling her anxiety and pushing her towards mutism.  She encounters a few people who get her, show her kindness, and help her find her voice again.  She has “friends” who turn into horrible bullies and she has friends.  She has an obsessive crush on an older boy, and wonders if she can have a “normal” future.  She tries so hard to fit in.  She tries so hard to have friends.  She tries so hard to do the right things at school.  She tries so hard to combat her anxiety.  She tries so hard to connect with her family while recognizing she can’t do the things they want her to do to show that connection.  She tries. So. Damn. Hard.

While 13-year-old me didn’t have all the same struggles and experiences, I related to a lot of what she goes through.

Again, the authors share some truly insightful thoughts through M’s words.  Here are a few I made note of as I read.

About her mother (p. 113):

She was delighted when we got the diagnosis. She was reading books and web pages and talked about us going to meetings and then she just seemed to stop.  Like she stopped believing I had autism or maybe when the reality of it began to unfold it all became too difficult.  . . .

But I’ve been carrying it around with me my whole life.  This is my reality, and does she realise how difficult that is?

About trying to “crack the friendship code” (p. 115):

And even though the truth is I love being on my own, I feel a desire to fit in and have friends.  Like it’s part of my purpose on earth.  I’m hardwired to fit in!  . . . I want to be accepted by my fellow human beings, but it really is so much easier on my own, and I retreat back to my little pink room, back to the security of my bed and blanket and the comfort of Skylar, season 5, episode 7.

When her mother suggests she write down how she feels, to let her feelings “out into the world” (p. 169-170):

Is it like letting Bella out into the back garden?  I haven’t got a back door.  I can’t just open a door to me and let my feelings out into the world.  Is that what everyone else is doing? Am I surrounded by other people’s feelings that they’ve let out??  Do I pick them up as I pass someone in town or do other people’s anger or jealousy latch on to me as I walk down a corridor?  And is that why I get so anxious?  I’ve picked up all the dumped emotions everyone else has let out into the world and I have an extra quota of feelings?

While writing this, I recalled watching the video about the Limpsfield Grange School girls (where this book was written).  I just realized that one of the plot points (involving the crush’s photos) was inspired by a real experience of a girl at that school.

I strongly recommend this pair of books – for autistic girls to feel less alone, and for people who aren’t autistic girls to stretch their empathy muscles.  It’s an emotional ride, but they both end with glimmers of realistic hope.

An Autistic(?) Hero

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The first thing I said to Dad as we left the movie theater was, “Wow, so he was autistic.”  Dad said he had been thinking the exact same thing.

My autism-radar started beeping when I saw his lack of eye contact talking to the dock officer about the contents of his case, but I acknowledged that it could be just because he was being deceptive.  But no, the difficulty with eye contact continued.  And there were the awkward social interactions, the special bond with animals, the admission that he didn’t really have friends at school, the awkward goodbye of the end.  That settled it.  Newt Scamander could be on the autism spectrum.

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I was excited to have a Hufflepuff featured in film, because Pottermore (v. 1.0) sorted me into that house and, after the initial revulsion, I read the welcome letter and I embraced it wholeheartedly.  I was also excited to have a Harry Potter film that I wouldn’t ruin with constant comparisons to the book it was based on.  Having the Hufflepuff hero show up with autistic traits absolutely delighted me.

As soon as we got out to the car, I began Googling “Newt Scamander Aspergers.”  It was immediately apparent that I wasn’t the only one who picked up on his traits.  The absolute best post I’ve read about Newt was written by a mom who has an autistic son, a boy who is a lot like Mr. Scamander.  Instead of quoting it at length, I’ll point you to the original:

The True Magic of ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’, by Melanie R. Meadors

Like she said, whether or not Newt is “officially” or intentionally autistic really doesn’t matter.  What’s awesome is that a person with autistic traits is presented in a positive light, the traits aren’t something he has to “overcome” in the film, and he makes friends who accept him as he is.  I’m officially a fan of Newt Scamander, and I’m thankful to Rowling and the filmmakers for making a person like him a true hero.

Another piece about Newt that I really enjoyed was written by Emma Lord:

On Newt Scamander, Toxic Masculinity, & The Power Of Hufflepuff Heroes

Have you seen the film?  I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Mini Review: M Is for Autism

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Recently I read Kathryn Erskine’s book Mockingbird, which is told from the perspective of a 10-year-old Aspie girl named Caitlin.  I still haven’t figured out how I feel about that book.  I’m always excited (and a little anxious) when I see a book featuring an autistic character, especially a girl.  But like I said, I don’t know how I feel about that one.  There were certainly moments where I thought, “Yes!  That’s exactly how it is!” but . . . well, I’ll let you be the judge.  It’s worth a read, though I warn you it is emotionally exhausting (she recently lost her brother in a school shooting).

When I was reading a few reviews of Mockingbird, hoping they would help me process my own thoughts and feelings, I saw something about another book, M is for Autism.  This book was written by a group of autistic girls and their creative writing tutor, because there aren’t enough books for teenage girls with autism.  That fact right there made me love the book even before I opened it.  When I did open it, I was surprised to see that it is full of color – not just the illustrations, but the pages themselves.  I LOVE that.  In fact, there’s a lot I love about this book.

m is for autism
Things I love about this book:

  • It’s colorful!  Every page has color.
  • M is a believable autistic character.  She has autistic traits without fulfilling EVERY stereotype, and has specific, unique quirks and interests.
  • I was pleasantly surprised that the mother gets to narrate a few pages.  I appreciated getting to hear her perspective, and it is very realistic – a mother who truly loves and wants to help her daughter, but just gets so darn frustrated and doesn’t always understand her.
  • Her therapist is wonderful. I wish I had her.
  • “It’s not an illness.  It’s more a way of being. It’s your wonderful state of mind, the way you view the world. That’s not being ill.”
  • It emphasizes that autism isn’t really the problem, anxiety is.
  • It touches on topics like social confusion, teasing, stimming, coping strategies, sensory issues, diagnosis, labels, therapy, support, and the complexity of it all.
  • This quote:

“I think you’re struggling too much. Everyone has a bad day, week, month even year but this is too much M. This is constant stress and anxiety. Life shouldn’t be too much of a struggle M.”

She’s right. Less of a struggle would be good. Life is a struggle when you’re trying to be normal.

 

The book made me smile, but it also made me hurt for my own 13-year-old self.
My only complaint is that it’s short – you can read it in a single sitting.  That isn’t a criticism of the book; I think it is long enough to fulfill its purpose.  That’s just a personal desire to read more about M and her journey 🙂
If you’d like to learn more about the writing of the book, here’s an article: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/health/what-is-it-like-to-be-a-girl-with-autism/

 

After writing this, I think I’ve figured out one of my thoughts about Mockingbird.  Mockingbird feels like it was written by an NT for NTs – to help them better understand autistic kids, sure, but it’s for NTs.  M is for Autism is absolutely 100% for autistic girls.  It can help NTs better understand autistic kids, but that is for the sake of the autistic kids.

Acceptance, Not Awareness

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This past Friday I had my mid-year review at work, the first such meeting since I was hired full-time a few months ago. It was a much more in-depth evaluation than the little “here’s a paper with all 10’s circled on it, let me know if you have questions, sign here” I had at my last job.  My manager was very positive and complimentary, gently providing “growth areas”  rather than “weaknesses” or criticism.  My peers also provided a few positive comments for him to share with me.  In a summary section, he wrote something like, “She is different, and that’s a good thing.”  He does not yet know that I am autistic, but since I work in IT now, I’ve been able to be a little more authentically me than at past positions.

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This weekend I was continuing my way through the book Neurotribes, which is excellent.  The problem is, it jumps between stories so cool that I excitedly read them aloud to unwilling victims, to parts so heartbreaking that I have to put it down for a while.  I was reading the section on Lovaas and the early days of ABA, and researchers’ use of punishment.  It was so upsetting that I was stimming (a lateral hand-flapping movement) and engaging in self-injurious behavior (biting my hand) – two of the very behaviors that were physically punished in these early studies.

I talked to a person about this right after setting the book aside (I will use “they” as a gender-neutral singular here). I was so worked up after talking to them that I was still doing a lot of the rapid hand-shaking while I was preparing some coffee.  They then said, “You’d better get that out of your system by Monday if you want them to still think you’re ‘different in a good way.'”

That bothered me.  But I didn’t have the words to express to them why it hurt so much.  First, it was just the latest in a long line of comments like that throughout my life – those, “I hope you don’t do that in public,” or, “Are you going to shower before you go out?” or, “You don’t say that at school/work, do you?” kind of comments.  The ones that insinuate I haven’t yet learned how to behave “properly” around normal people, out in public.

Second, and this is very much related to that category of comment, I only engaged in that behavior because I felt safe to do so.  In my own home, with people I trust, I’m going to feel freer to behave in ways that are not seen as “acceptable” in other settings.  I’m going to complain about tasks I’ve been assigned at work, but I’m NOT going to have a bad attitude about them around my manager and coworkers.  I’m going to skip a shower when I’m staying in, but I’m NOT going to go to class with greasy hair.  I’m going to release extreme emotion nonverbally through self-stimulatory behaviors, but I’m NOT going to be as obviously autistic in the behaviors I select when I’m around people I don’t trust with that.

Third, they used something that was an extremely positive, affirming, and accepting comment about me to shame me for my autistic behavior.

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I was recently talking to another Aspie-girl about how hard it can be, living with neurotypicals.   We talked about how sometimes we trust someone with an explanation for our behaviors, or explain how we feel about something, and they end up using it against us later – even if it’s just what they see as a friendly teasing comment, it still hurts, and makes us less likely to trust again.

So, if you love someone on the spectrum, please recognize that often those “socially-unacceptable behaviors” you see are indications that the person feels safe with you.  Especially if you only see the behaviors in a “safe” setting, like the person’s home.  And please, if we trust you with an explanation of how we think and feel, don’t use it against us.

And for you autistic people reading. . . what advice should I give?  Be more careful whom you trust?  Don’t let your guard down and be so “autistic” around people?  No.  On my drive home today, Jars of Clay’s song “Inland” came on my shuffle.  The song I named this blog after. I was thinking about how even though another song on the album is my favorite, I was glad I got an “Inland” lyric inscribed on the ring I wear every day.  The words “you keep walking inland” are a constant reminder to me that I must press on, I must engage in community and relationships, I must keep trying.  I must keep walking inland – “where no man is an island.”  And so must you.  Don’t give up explaining, expressing yourself, and teaching.  Learn to live among people who are not like you, learn to communicate with them, and treat everyone with the respect and kindness you want yourself.   Don’t hide.  Don’t retreat.

 

It’s the only way we will gain more acceptance. 

Inland Ring

 

Random Relationship Advice from a Clear Non-Expert

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I recently read an article about the benefits of writing, and I decided I would spend some of my time off this Sunday writing down some thoughts.  Valentine’s Day is coming up, so the topic of relationships is looming large.  There are no romantic prospects on my horizon, but at least I’ve got my box and cards ready for the party at work.  (I’m gonna be the coolest 30-year-old in the 4th grade).

Ninja Turtle sewer box to hold my valentines

I was a Christian teenager in the 90’s, so my shelf is lined with the usual suspects – Passion and Purity, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, When God Writes Your Love Story, etc.  I’ve also been listening to the Boundless Show podcast a lot, which is geared towards Christian single young adults, so relationships are the most common topic of discussion.  In addition, I’ve read a few books specifically about Aspergers and relationships, like Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships, The Journal of Best Practices, and 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know.  But most of what I’m sharing here I’ve learned the hard way.

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“No man is an island” – and a couple shouldn’t be, either.

Like a lot of Aspie girls, my dating life began atypically late.  When I had my first boyfriend in college, my best friend called me out on some stuff – but I wasn’t totally honest with her about the relationship.  It turns out that was really stupid, and I vowed to not make that mistake again.  I now have a team of trusted advisers that I consult in matters like this – my best friend (and her husband), my pastor and his wife, and my parents.  This caused some friction with one guy, because he didn’t like the fact that I was talking about our relationship with them, but I’m still very grateful that I did.  I don’t mean you should complain to everyone about your significant other – if you need some help discerning between seeking counsel and gossiping, check out my pastor’s book.  But it’s important to have people in your life who know you well and can look at a relationship more objectively than you can when you’re in the middle of it.  Choose them wisely.  You don’t have to do everything they advise, but you’ll be better off having them as part of the process.

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Communicate about what physical touch is okay.

When a guy nervously worked himself up to asking me if he could hold my hand, I thought it was silly/unnecessary. Yet I really appreciated that he respected me enough to ask about stuff like that (maybe he was just terrified, but still).  My first kiss had been stolen from me, and that taught me a lot about the need to discuss boundaries, because after that all the guy wanted to do when we were together was make out.  Which doesn’t *actually* help grow a strong, healthy relationship.  This topic is especially pertinent for people on the spectrum, for a few reasons.  One, we (generally speaking) have trouble reading the non-verbal communication that is a huge part of romantic interactions.  This makes it more difficult to know what the other person is thinking and wanting, unless they spell it out verbally.  Two, every individual is different when it comes to what kinds of touch we like and when, and sensitivity to touch can be a major issue for autistics.  Some individuals absolutely can’t stand light touch (the kind that is common in flirtatious interactions) to the point that it can make them feel panicked or physically ill.  Personally, I get kinda weirded out by light touch, especially if I don’t see it coming.  I also dislike hugging people I don’t strongly like (I’ve written before about how I used to run away or fight with relatives who tried to hug me when I was little).  Yet when I’m with someone I’m close to, I love physical contact – it’s actually one of my love languages.  It needs to be on my terms.

So respect others’ rights to their own bodies.  Find out about their sensitivities and what they’re comfortable with.  You don’t have to make it super awkward, but be polite and keep those lines of communication open.

Snuggle bunnies

These two bunnies love to snuggle together.

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Emotional boundaries are just as important as physical ones.

What was that I said about learning things the hard way?  Ugh.  I really don’t have any specific, solid advice for this one.  It’s honestly hard to know how to build intimacy in an appropriate way, aside from saying take your time and don’t talk about certain emotional topics too soon.  It was a chapter in the book I Gave Dating a Chance that first introduced me to the topic of emotional intimacy, and I realized my good friend and I had crossed that line.  I won’t go into detail here, but I still haven’t fully recovered from the aftermath of that.  It resulted in one of the hardest times in my life (when I read the second Twilight book, I completely sobbed when Edward left Bella and there were those blank pages for each month, because I had lived that).

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Be honest.

This one should go without saying, but I’m talking about more than not lying.  It’s hard, because no two people are 100% compatible- there are going to be things we have to overlook or let go.  But we need to figure out which things really do bother us, and be honest about them.   At some point, if you try to ignore things, it won’t be pretty.  They’re going to add up and poison the relationship, or you’ll get in a fight about something unrelated and suddenly those myriad little annoyances will come spilling out.   I had a situation where I had said things were okay, but then I realized I was truly bothered by the low level of communication from a guy.  When I brought it up, it got him really upset, because I had previously said things were okay.  (Of course, it didn’t help that I sent a rather tactless e-mail instead of having a conversation about it, but that’s a topic for another day.)  This is why I bookmarked page 103 in Rudy Simone’s 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know –

There’s also “alexithymia,” the inability to identify what one is feeling and therefore, not being able to express it or describe it in words.  If you tell her something that upsets her, she might not know it at first, or know why, so she might say, “Okay,” when in actuality, she doesn’t really feel okay . . .   We have a reputation for “saying what we mean and meaning what we say,” but if we don’t now what we are feeling at the time, we can’t.

Simone then brings up the topic of the spectrum “sixth sense,” and how we can tell something’s wrong even when someone isn’t telling us.  This is another reason I am bringing up the topic of honesty.  I’ve been in situations where I know something is up, even though I might not have hard “proof,” and I’m an emotional wreck wondering if I’m imagining things until finally I get the person to explain and confirm my suspicions.  Drag that kind of thing out long enough and you’re going to cause more hurt than if you had said something sooner. So be honest.

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I guess that’s it for today. A final random thought – when I look back at my relationships, I see that each one emphasized one area of connection above the others – spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual.  It’s the spiritual connection I miss the most.

 

Mini Review: Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate

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When I first read that Cynthia Kim was writing a book, I was very excited.  Her blog, Musings of an Aspie, was the final puzzle piece in recognizing that I’m not just “as close to the Spectrum as you can be without being diagnosable,” as I wrote in my first post.  I’ve always strongly identified with the ideas and feelings she writes about on her blog, and it was a pleasure to sit and read her words in a full book.

I love that autistic women are fighting for more awareness and understanding with these blogs and books.  It’s an exciting time to be a part of this community, and I pray their efforts will benefit women and girls now and in the future.  Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate is a book I can recommend without reservation.

Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate book cover

First, the book itself.  I enjoyed the aesthetics of the cover as well as the formatting of the text.  Lists and sidebars help highlight important information.  The content is well-organized – and I like things that are well-organized.  Although a lot of the content was taken from her blog writings, the book does not feel like a collection of isolated essays.  I felt like the topics and sub-topics flowed incredibly naturally as I devoured chapter after chapter.

Personally, there were so many things I related to in this book.  For example, when she talked about our difficulty blocking out extraneous stimuli, I remembered climbing into the trunk of our car on numerous occasions to find and stop whatever was rattling.  Her list of tactile sensitivities had me going, “Yep, yep, yep,” and chuckling that she included both “tags” and “TAGS.”  Her discussion of executive function deficits and difficulty making decisions gave me a flashback to standing in the kitchen crying because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat and Mom was getting frustrated with me (this was very common).  I couldn’t help but remember issues in a dating relationship when she said, “It may take hours or days to understand what took place during an especially emotional experience” (p. 143).  My best friend and I laughed as I read aloud the section on The “NO” Reflex, because it sounded so very familiar to both of us.  I could go on and on!

I loved that she included a lot of solid practical advice for both autistics and the people who love them, such as “Lessons from an ASD-NT Marriage” and “Rescue Strategies for New Parents.”  Like Ms. Kim, I’ve come up with a lot of coping strategies on my own, but she lists some that I hadn’t thought of (like carrying something pleasantly-scented if I’m going to be somewhere with objectionable odors).

A thought kept interrupting my reading.  One of the first books I read specifically about adults with Aspergers was Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford.  It helped my mom and I recognize that AS fits my dad, but I remember it being a kind of depressing read as it focused on the deficits and struggles.  Reading Cynthia Kim’s book was more like reading John Elder Robison’s Be Different (which I can’t believe I haven’t talked about on here yet.  I should.  It’s awesome).  Both of these books are written by autistic people who are honest about the struggles that come with being autistic, but they talk about growth and the good stuff, too.  They have a realistic, balanced optimism that I truly appreciate.

If you haven’t noticed, I think this book is really, really good.  “But you don’t have to take my word for it.”

Loneliness

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Loneliness, loneliness, it won’t last forever
Happiness, happiness, wait in line
Every time I look in the mirror I’m in the shadow of doubt. . .

All I want is peace like a river
Long life of sanity,
Love that won’t leave too soon
Someone to pull out the splinters. . .

-Jars of Clay, “Reckless Forgiver” –Inland

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I started this post weeks ago, but then I put off finishing it.  It’s a painful topic, and I was having a hard time organizing my thoughts without rambling.  But I don’t like leaving things unfinished, so here I go.

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I’ve been feeling lonely lately.  Not that it’s a new thing; it kinda comes in waves.  I think this latest time was really instigated by having free time again.  For a while I was chatting online daily with a friend, and when that ended it was sad and a hard change in routine, but I became so very busy and stressed that I simply didn’t have time to feel lonely.  I was too busy with my work schedule, and a busy season of my photography business, and the craziness of trying to make Christmas gifts and visit people.  But all of that activity cut off abruptly. . . and although I was thankful to have my down-time back, it also increased my feeling-down time.

My thoughts for this post have been all over the place.  Do I go into the feelings of childhood loneliness?  Do I explore the ways I made friends who lasted?  Do I share the heartbreaking times where I failed to make friends in new places?  Where do I begin with all of this?

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Since graduating from college I have moved a lot.  I moved 7 times in 6 years, in fact.  Have I mentioned that change is hard? (Rhetorical question – I did).   I was hired as a nanny and then had families’ financial situations change, or I moved in with people knowing the situation had to be temporary.  I moved back in with my parents a few times when my work/living situation had to change, because they are awesome and supportive.  Each time I moved to a new place I really did try to meet people.  I’d find a good church and then step outside of my comfort zone to go

to a young adult ministry event, or join a women’s Bible study, or attend a small-group event to join a group.  And I met some really nice people this way. . . but I never made a real friend.  And I don’t know why.  It seemed like most of them already knew each other, had a history, had their own relationships and busy lives.  They were friendly to me, but I never felt truly initiated into the group, and was rarely invited to do things outside of the scheduled event.   And I’ve never known how to get in.

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Looking back, it seems like I needed an insider to pull me in.  Junior high sucked.  I’m sure eventually I’ll write more about bullying, but for now I’ll just say that those years were the worst of my life.  I hated going to lunch in junior high (and I love to eat), but I didn’t know how to change where I sat.  Then one day my badminton partner in gym class invited me to sit with her at lunch.  I long referred to her as “my angel” for rescuing me in that way.  By inviting me to eat with her, she provided me with the “references” I needed to get in with a new group of girls.  This group (though a bit fluid over the years) remained my social group at school until graduation.  While far from perfect, we did share a lot of fun times, and for that I am thankful.  In fact several of us got together for a private “un-reunion lunch” 10 years after graduation (I had *zero* interest in attending my class reunion); I truly enjoyed seeing them again after so many years.  Yet at school, especially at the end, I often felt lonely, even within this group.

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I’m not really sure at what point in my life I started to feel different.  I felt different from the other girls because I was a tomboy.  Everyone always called me “smart” and it set me apart – when I got older it made me sad that most people would sign my yearbook with something like, “You’re so smart!” instead of something about being friends.  In high school I felt different because I wasn’t dating (not my choice) or interested in partying (my choice based on faith).

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I loved the times I had a best friend.  If I didn’t, or if they weren’t around, I always dreaded the times at school where we were directed to pick a partner or group.  I knew that if the number of friends wasn’t right (3 of us and it was 2 to a bus seat, for example) I’d probably be the one left out.

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In the collection of stories/essays/poems Women from Another Planet?, Jane Meyerding tells a story that really resonated with me.  She writes about going to Girl Scout Camp one summer, and how she participated and enjoyed every day there.  It wasn’t until the overnight camp-out that she realized something:

The other girls had become friends with one another.  Alone there, with no adult present to direct us, they chatted and whispered and laughed and interacted with seamless ease.  How did they know what to say?  They weren’t talking about anything, and yet they talked constantly.  My conversation was limited to specific subjects, not including anything as nebulous as girltalk or smalltalk.  Moreover, they seemed to know each other in a way they didn’t know me — and I certainly didn’t know them.  I had been with them as much during the summer as they had been with each other.  I had done everything they had done (as far as I could tell). And yet I was a stranger there.  The only stranger in the tent.  I realize now that one or more of the other little girls in that tent may not have been happy and socially successful.  But all of them knew how to put on the act.  They may have felt lonely.  They may have felt inadequate.  But they knew–even at eight years old–how to behave in a social situation.
(p 158, 159)

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It’s painful to not understand why I’m not accepted as a friend at times.  The people who become my close friends all tell me I’m a great friend, but most people must not see what they see I guess.  I remember one time (that I will keep intentionally vague).  I was in a room with a girl I thought I had a good relationship with, and she stormed out of the room appearing very upset.  I had a feeling she had gone to talk to girls in another room of the house, and since I had a question for one of those other girls I went over several minutes later.  Sure enough, the first girl was there, and it was clear she had been crying.  Later she mentioned it within another group context and I asked about it, and she explained she had fought with someone.  I never knew why she chose to seek out the other girls instead of talking to me, since I was right there.   But it hurt.

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On page 30 of Aspergirls, Rudy Simone says:

We flourish much better in an environment where the emphasis is on academic achievement and not socializing.  Of course we need to learn to socialize, but through shared interests with like-minded individuals, not by being thrown to the lions.  Emotionally, we require an atmosphere of tolerance and non-judgement.

This was definitely true for me, going to Grove City College.  People were actually nice to me.  It was so weird, but wonderful. And one of the best things that happened there began on the first day.  The college organized “mentor groups” to help us get settled in and meet each other.  I entered that first day with the determination to try harder to make friends, and I was acting much more social and outgoing than was normal for me.  But when I sat down in the grass with my mentor group I saw an individual who looked as shy and uncomfortable as I truly felt.  We were both wearing Christian rock t-shirts, which gave me a chance to strike up a conversation.  I put forth a little extra effort to initiate with her.  It didn’t happen for a while, but she became my best friend, and still is after a decade.

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Like a lot of people on the spectrum, I often feel more lonely when I’m surrounded by people than when I’m truly alone. I think it’s the seeing the NTs interact and feeling so unlike them.  I read one person (I’ll try to find the reference) describe it as feeling like being separated by a pane of glass, being able to see the interactions and not really join them.

I get frustrated when I hear NTs generalize that autistics are “anti-social” or “loners.”  In fact, I heard someone who works in my field say, based on her experience with an autistic close relative, “They don’t really make that ‘human connection’ with other people.”

In his book The Reason I Jump, Naoki Higashida writes,

The truth is, we’d love to be with other people.  But because things never, ever go right, we end up getting used to being alone, without even noticing this is happening.  Whenever I overhear someone remark how much I prefer to be on my own, it makes me feel desperately lonely.  It’s as if they’re deliberately giving me the cold-shoulder treatment.

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A few weeks ago I was riding in the car with my family.  Sitting in the backseat, I gazed out the window at the dark wintery scenes.  I noticed a feeling that I recognized as familiar.  As I saw each house, with warm light seeping through the curtains across the cold darkness between us, I felt pangs of longing.  I wondered why.  Maybe it was a metaphor created by my soul.

Resising Gossip

Posted on by under Personal, Reviews

And now for something completely different. . .

This isn’t specifically about Asperger’s, but something I’m really excited about and want to share with you.

I was super-excited to get my autographed copy before release day!

I was honored to be his official photographer 🙂

My pastor is awesome.  I won’t get into all the reasons why here, so you’ll have to take my word for it right now.  He recently wrote a book called Resisting Gossip.  You should read it.   Here’s the review I wrote for Amazon:

I am one of the happy members of Lanse Evangelical Free Church, we who call Dr. Mitchell “Pastor Matt.” During the process of getting this book published, he gave our Bible Study group updates and prayer requests. I loved sharing the joy of finally seeing this book become a reality! More than that, I loved discovering that Pastor Matt writes the same way he preaches and counsels- with a conversational tone, appropriate and effective use of Scripture, and an obvious heart of concern for others.

In this book, Pastor Matt:
defines gossip
explains the different heart motivations behind our gossip
provides real strategies for resisting gossip
advises on how to respond when we are the subject of gossip
teaches how to repent of our gossip
includes a section for leaders to help cultivate gossip-resistant churches

All of this is done with carefully-chosen anecdotes and Scripture references. The verses aren’t taken out of context to support his points or thrown in as an afterthought; instead, it is clear that Pastor Matt learned what he is teaching from studying the Word.

This book is easy to read yet rich in content. It is sharply convicting yet full of grace and hope. It teaches timeless truths that are extremely timely in our current culture. I can’t recommend it highly enough!

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A few years ago, I asked my facebook friends for podcast recommendations.  One (also single) friend suggested the Boundless Show.  I checked it out and enjoyed it enough to keep listening.  A few months ago I was taking a walk and on the show they were interviewing a guy who just published a book.  I thought, “Hey!  Pastor Matt just wrote a book.  They should interview him!”  I got on their website and sent them an e-mail about the book, thinking it was a long-shot but couldn’t hurt.  After a few exchanges back and forth and having the publisher send them a review copy, we finally heard back that they wanted to get him on the interview calendar in early 2014.  I was *so excited* when I read the email! (For those of you who know about stims, my excitement translated to approximately 3 claps, 5 hand-flaps, and 4 knee-slaps.)

P. Matt asked me to suggest a few shows to listen to to prepare for the interview.  That inspired him to write this blog post (and that blog post helped solidify my decision to cut back on facebook time somehow; my solution was to delete the app from my iPhone to make it less convenient to check constantly.  But I digress.)

And here it is, his Boundless Show interview.  I am thrilled that I was able to help make it happen, and I hope that many people are blessed by his wisdom, as I have been.  Enjoy!

(click the image to go to the page to listen/download, or click here to download the podcast via iTunes- it’s on “An Unexpected Love Story: Episode 313”)

Mini-Review: Born on a Blue Day

Posted on by under Reviews

Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet is one of the books I requested for Christmas. Reading the first chapter, my thought was, “Wow, this guy’s brain is so different than mine. I really can’t relate to what he’s saying, but it will be fascinating to continue reading about such a unique mind.” A few pages into the second chapter, my thoughts changed to, “Wow, I really relate to this guy!”

This was a wonderful read. To me, one of the many reasons is he’s in my age group- he was born a few years before me, but wrote the book when he was slightly younger than I am now. I enjoyed having that common ground. I was amazed by how eloquently and understandably he explains what it’s like inside his extraordinary savant mind. The first chapter was a bit awkward to get through, but reflecting back on the entire book I believe it was exactly the right choice – it sets the stage that this young man is *different*, which makes the later moments so meaningful.  He’s not only brilliant, but incredibly brave.

One thing that struck me early on was how blessed he was to have his parents. They seem like those unsung, everyday heroes: the parents who love their children unconditionally, respect their unique needs, encourage them to take baby-steps out of their comfort zones, and make sacrifices to help them succeed.  That’s one of the things Daniel and I have in common.

Near the end of the book he describes his experiences filming this documentary, Brainman – I can’t wait to watch it!