I’m frustratingly busy, so I’ll try to keep this one short. But being so busy also has me feeling very anxious. And with the thoughts swirling, I thought it might help to write some of them out.
Just the other day I was talking with someone at work about the concept of “performance anxiety,” that unpleasant feeling we get when someone is watching us do something (or the anxiety leading up to that event). I recalled what I was taught in school, about how basketball players will practice free-throws until the movement is automatic, like a machine. That way, when they are standing in front of the crowd and under pressure, their performance is less likely to suffer from the situation.
Today I was thinking about how the social deficits of being autistic can cause an almost-constant performance anxiety whenever I’m around people. I know that a lot of this, for me, comes from an unhealthy “fear of man” – that is, caring too much about what people think of me, and getting identity/value from that. But at the same time, I need to know if what I’m doing or saying is having negative consequences. I have a lifetime of memories of messing up. I’ve unintentionally hurt feelings, caused people to think I was arrogant (instead of insecure and shy), made assumptions that led to damaged friendships. This evening, I remembered reading a blog post about social anxiety and autism; I just looked it up, and once again she says so much good stuff I’ll recommend you go read it instead of trying to write my own version here. For example:
When a person with impaired social communication abilities has anxiety about social situations, they are like a poor swimmer who is anxious about boarding a boat. The perceived risk is real and rational.
-Cynthia Kim, Musings of an Aspie: “My Anxiety is Not Disordered“
Taking college classes again, I’ve been frustrated by my desire for perfectionism. I keep reminding myself that missing questions or losing points is an opportunity to learn, but I still want that 100%. I’ve always been told how smart I am, and that was a big part of my identity – so the desire for good grades goes deeper than just wanting a good number on my resume so I can get a better job. It means I spend too much time on assignments, worrying the whole time about if I’m doing it right and doing enough. Like I said, it’s very frustrating. (Oh, and this “perfectionism” topic could easily be a separate blog post. Of course, there’s one worth reading over at Musings of an Aspie).
Another area where the perfectionism and performance anxiety are driving me nuts is my photography business. I’m about ready to call it quits. I get so anxious before the shoot – will I be able to get the shots they want? And then there’s the viewing – will they like the shots? And there’s the sales component, where I have to deal with the uncomfortable topic of money and asking them for it, and I have to talk myself up. Oh, and the editing. I spend too much time trying to “perfect” images before I even know which ones they will want (of course, it’s hard for them to know what they want if they can’t see how beautiful it will be in the end). And even in applying edits I’m constantly doubting myself and anxious. Ugh. I do really love being able to give people beautiful portraits, especially of their kids. I’m looking forward to getting a new career that pays all the bills so I can go back to giving away photography.
Speaking of giving away photography – I’m going to combat the negative feelings by ending with this photo. At the totally amazing Jars 20 Celebration Weekend in Nashville, I gave the guys a gift. I took a picture of some of Dad’s vinyl records, with my Jars of Clay albums mixed in. They liked it 🙂