Rallying

A few weeks ago, I had a really long weekend.  Work that week had been stressful.  I traveled to see friends after work on Friday, but it was an emotionally draining visit.  The next day, I spent at least 8 hours at a small gathering. . . again, it was lovely to spend time with these friends, but socializing with more than one or two people is going to wear me out.  I drove home that evening, and since I had coffee to stay alert on the road, I wasn’t able to get to sleep for a while.  I was emotionally exhausted and ended up crying in bed, and the next morning I woke up with a headache (from the too-short sleep and the crying).  I couldn’t sleep in, because my family was going to a gathering, where I would again be socializing and listening to people talk about things I don’t have (wedding plans, babies).  As I stumbled around like a grumpy zombie trying to get ready to go, I was told I needed “to rally” because it was important.

 

I’m not still curled up in bed under my weighted blanket.

This is me rallying.

I put on clothes that aren’t a t-shirt and pajama pants.

This is me rallying.

I’m responding with nods, grunts, and short exasperated sentences instead of snapping at the upbeat attempts to get me to join in the chatting.

This is me rallying.

I’m allowing my picture to be taken and trying to smile.

This is me rallying.

I’m getting in the car again, even though I just traveled from the other side of the state a few hours ago.

This is me rallying.

I’m strategically isolating in the car to simultaneously recover and prepare for more socializing – hooded sweatshirt to block the sun, squishy pillow to try to sleep, noise-blocking headphones; then, when sleep fails me, escaping into an episode of a TV show streamed onto my phone.

This is me rallying.

I’m getting out of the car instead of staying in here and sobbing or sleeping.

This is me rallying.

When told, “I need you to rally,” one more time, I respond,

“This IS me rallying.”

and I walk into the house, projecting the friendly persona expected of me.

 

 

Random Relationship Advice from a Clear Non-Expert

I recently read an article about the benefits of writing, and I decided I would spend some of my time off this Sunday writing down some thoughts.  Valentine’s Day is coming up, so the topic of relationships is looming large.  There are no romantic prospects on my horizon, but at least I’ve got my box and cards ready for the party at work.  (I’m gonna be the coolest 30-year-old in the 4th grade).

Ninja Turtle sewer box to hold my valentines

I was a Christian teenager in the 90’s, so my shelf is lined with the usual suspects – Passion and Purity, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, When God Writes Your Love Story, etc.  I’ve also been listening to the Boundless Show podcast a lot, which is geared towards Christian single young adults, so relationships are the most common topic of discussion.  In addition, I’ve read a few books specifically about Aspergers and relationships, like Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships, The Journal of Best Practices, and 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know.  But most of what I’m sharing here I’ve learned the hard way.

◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

“No man is an island” – and a couple shouldn’t be, either.

Like a lot of Aspie girls, my dating life began atypically late.  When I had my first boyfriend in college, my best friend called me out on some stuff – but I wasn’t totally honest with her about the relationship.  It turns out that was really stupid, and I vowed to not make that mistake again.  I now have a team of trusted advisers that I consult in matters like this – my best friend (and her husband), my pastor and his wife, and my parents.  This caused some friction with one guy, because he didn’t like the fact that I was talking about our relationship with them, but I’m still very grateful that I did.  I don’t mean you should complain to everyone about your significant other – if you need some help discerning between seeking counsel and gossiping, check out my pastor’s book.  But it’s important to have people in your life who know you well and can look at a relationship more objectively than you can when you’re in the middle of it.  Choose them wisely.  You don’t have to do everything they advise, but you’ll be better off having them as part of the process.

◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

Communicate about what physical touch is okay.

When a guy nervously worked himself up to asking me if he could hold my hand, I thought it was silly/unnecessary. Yet I really appreciated that he respected me enough to ask about stuff like that (maybe he was just terrified, but still).  My first kiss had been stolen from me, and that taught me a lot about the need to discuss boundaries, because after that all the guy wanted to do when we were together was make out.  Which doesn’t *actually* help grow a strong, healthy relationship.  This topic is especially pertinent for people on the spectrum, for a few reasons.  One, we (generally speaking) have trouble reading the non-verbal communication that is a huge part of romantic interactions.  This makes it more difficult to know what the other person is thinking and wanting, unless they spell it out verbally.  Two, every individual is different when it comes to what kinds of touch we like and when, and sensitivity to touch can be a major issue for autistics.  Some individuals absolutely can’t stand light touch (the kind that is common in flirtatious interactions) to the point that it can make them feel panicked or physically ill.  Personally, I get kinda weirded out by light touch, especially if I don’t see it coming.  I also dislike hugging people I don’t strongly like (I’ve written before about how I used to run away or fight with relatives who tried to hug me when I was little).  Yet when I’m with someone I’m close to, I love physical contact – it’s actually one of my love languages.  It needs to be on my terms.

So respect others’ rights to their own bodies.  Find out about their sensitivities and what they’re comfortable with.  You don’t have to make it super awkward, but be polite and keep those lines of communication open.

Snuggle bunnies

These two bunnies love to snuggle together.

 ◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

Emotional boundaries are just as important as physical ones.

What was that I said about learning things the hard way?  Ugh.  I really don’t have any specific, solid advice for this one.  It’s honestly hard to know how to build intimacy in an appropriate way, aside from saying take your time and don’t talk about certain emotional topics too soon.  It was a chapter in the book I Gave Dating a Chance that first introduced me to the topic of emotional intimacy, and I realized my good friend and I had crossed that line.  I won’t go into detail here, but I still haven’t fully recovered from the aftermath of that.  It resulted in one of the hardest times in my life (when I read the second Twilight book, I completely sobbed when Edward left Bella and there were those blank pages for each month, because I had lived that).

◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

Be honest.

This one should go without saying, but I’m talking about more than not lying.  It’s hard, because no two people are 100% compatible- there are going to be things we have to overlook or let go.  But we need to figure out which things really do bother us, and be honest about them.   At some point, if you try to ignore things, it won’t be pretty.  They’re going to add up and poison the relationship, or you’ll get in a fight about something unrelated and suddenly those myriad little annoyances will come spilling out.   I had a situation where I had said things were okay, but then I realized I was truly bothered by the low level of communication from a guy.  When I brought it up, it got him really upset, because I had previously said things were okay.  (Of course, it didn’t help that I sent a rather tactless e-mail instead of having a conversation about it, but that’s a topic for another day.)  This is why I bookmarked page 103 in Rudy Simone’s 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know –

There’s also “alexithymia,” the inability to identify what one is feeling and therefore, not being able to express it or describe it in words.  If you tell her something that upsets her, she might not know it at first, or know why, so she might say, “Okay,” when in actuality, she doesn’t really feel okay . . .   We have a reputation for “saying what we mean and meaning what we say,” but if we don’t now what we are feeling at the time, we can’t.

Simone then brings up the topic of the spectrum “sixth sense,” and how we can tell something’s wrong even when someone isn’t telling us.  This is another reason I am bringing up the topic of honesty.  I’ve been in situations where I know something is up, even though I might not have hard “proof,” and I’m an emotional wreck wondering if I’m imagining things until finally I get the person to explain and confirm my suspicions.  Drag that kind of thing out long enough and you’re going to cause more hurt than if you had said something sooner. So be honest.

 ◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

I guess that’s it for today. A final random thought – when I look back at my relationships, I see that each one emphasized one area of connection above the others – spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual.  It’s the spiritual connection I miss the most.

 

Mini Review: Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate

When I first read that Cynthia Kim was writing a book, I was very excited.  Her blog, Musings of an Aspie, was the final puzzle piece in recognizing that I’m not just “as close to the Spectrum as you can be without being diagnosable,” as I wrote in my first post.  I’ve always strongly identified with the ideas and feelings she writes about on her blog, and it was a pleasure to sit and read her words in a full book.

I love that autistic women are fighting for more awareness and understanding with these blogs and books.  It’s an exciting time to be a part of this community, and I pray their efforts will benefit women and girls now and in the future.  Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate is a book I can recommend without reservation.

Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate book cover

First, the book itself.  I enjoyed the aesthetics of the cover as well as the formatting of the text.  Lists and sidebars help highlight important information.  The content is well-organized – and I like things that are well-organized.  Although a lot of the content was taken from her blog writings, the book does not feel like a collection of isolated essays.  I felt like the topics and sub-topics flowed incredibly naturally as I devoured chapter after chapter.

Personally, there were so many things I related to in this book.  For example, when she talked about our difficulty blocking out extraneous stimuli, I remembered climbing into the trunk of our car on numerous occasions to find and stop whatever was rattling.  Her list of tactile sensitivities had me going, “Yep, yep, yep,” and chuckling that she included both “tags” and “TAGS.”  Her discussion of executive function deficits and difficulty making decisions gave me a flashback to standing in the kitchen crying because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat and Mom was getting frustrated with me (this was very common).  I couldn’t help but remember issues in a dating relationship when she said, “It may take hours or days to understand what took place during an especially emotional experience” (p. 143).  My best friend and I laughed as I read aloud the section on The “NO” Reflex, because it sounded so very familiar to both of us.  I could go on and on!

I loved that she included a lot of solid practical advice for both autistics and the people who love them, such as “Lessons from an ASD-NT Marriage” and “Rescue Strategies for New Parents.”  Like Ms. Kim, I’ve come up with a lot of coping strategies on my own, but she lists some that I hadn’t thought of (like carrying something pleasantly-scented if I’m going to be somewhere with objectionable odors).

A thought kept interrupting my reading.  One of the first books I read specifically about adults with Aspergers was Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford.  It helped my mom and I recognize that AS fits my dad, but I remember it being a kind of depressing read as it focused on the deficits and struggles.  Reading Cynthia Kim’s book was more like reading John Elder Robison’s Be Different (which I can’t believe I haven’t talked about on here yet.  I should.  It’s awesome).  Both of these books are written by autistic people who are honest about the struggles that come with being autistic, but they talk about growth and the good stuff, too.  They have a realistic, balanced optimism that I truly appreciate.

If you haven’t noticed, I think this book is really, really good.  “But you don’t have to take my word for it.”

Thankfulness

I took a walk today, and I put on a Boundless Show podcast (Episode 354). Lisa was interviewing Louie Giglio about his advent book, and she asked him a question about single adults trying to hold onto hope instead of dwelling on what they’re not having.

We always have that choice of saying, well this is what’s not happening. I’m gonna focus on what isn’t happening. And the end of that journey always leads us to a really dark place.

Yeah.

It was good timing.  You’d think that since two days ago was Thanksgiving I would have figured it out, but lately I’ve really been down.  Mostly because it’s so easy to fall into thinking about the things I don’t have.  I don’t mean the stupid things like a functional iPod (though I miss that), but the big things.  Marriage. Or even a date.  Kids. A group of friends to hang out with all the time, like when I was younger.  A home of my own.  A great job.

It’s hard, because too often I look at the lack and blame it on not being good enough, or being weird.  Or I catch myself thinking it’s not fair.

 ◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

A very wise person once told me,

God answers our prayers in three ways:

“Yes.”

“Not yet.”

“I have something better for you.”

I’ve tried to hold onto that, the idea that he isn’t simply saying “no” to things, but he has a plan for my good and his glory.  It’s hard to trust sometimes.

◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊

Anyway, I realized on my walk I should spend some time reflecting on what I *do* have.  As soon as I heard that part of the podcast I knew I should sit down and blog.  This list could clearly go on for a very long time, so I’ll just hit a few highlights.  It’s a good reminder to resume the habit of writing down daily blessings, a la One Thousand Gifts.

 

I’m thankful for the opportunity to go back to college.  I’m thankful that my inheritance from my grandfather meant that I was able to jump into getting an associate’s degree without the added stress of going into debt.  My classes have been going really well.  I strongly dislike the networking topic, but I enjoyed the C++ programming class so much that I finished my final assignment 3 weeks early.  It’s encouraging to see that I really do have an aptitude for this field and enjoy the material, as I had hoped.  I’m hopeful that it will lead to a good job where I can thrive.

I’m thankful that I’ve been able to continue working part-time with my autistic client, and I am especially thankful that he got moved back to the best teacher I’ve ever worked with.  Not only is she great to work with, but we’ve started spending time together outside of work as well – it’s so much fun to get to have a conversation with her without the kids interrupting every 10 seconds! I’m also thankful for the opportunity this job gives me to show other kids some love.  There are some really sweet girls in my client’s class, and sometimes we have good conversations at lunch.  They, in return, are a huge encouragement and blessing.  Look at this:

I’m thankful for the awesome time we had in Nashville in September, at the Jars 20 Celebration Weekend.  We got to casually chat with the band, meet other fans (including some people I interacted with online many years ago), have a special concert in the Blood:Water Mission office, tour their studio, and go to the Concert to End All Concerts at the Franklin Theatre.  The guys were kind and gracious as always, and they even put up my photo gift where I could see it when they did the next online concert.  Only The Office Convention weekend comes close in awesomeness.

Jars 20

I’m thankful for my family, who accept and support me in so many ways.

I’m thankful for my best friend, and my godson, and the technology like FaceTime that lets us keep in touch so it’s easier for him to remember me when I finally get out there to visit.

I’m thankful for my sweet, fluffy cat Gandalf.  He makes me smile.

I’m thankful for the many bloggers who have helped me discover my place on the spectrum, understand more about myself and others, and make me feel less alone.

Perfectionism and Performance Anxiety

I’m frustratingly busy, so I’ll try to keep this one short. But being so busy also has me feeling very anxious. And with the thoughts swirling, I thought it might help to write some of them out.

Just the other day I was talking with someone at work about the concept of “performance anxiety,” that unpleasant feeling we get when someone is watching us do something (or the anxiety leading up to that event).  I recalled what I was taught in school, about how basketball players will practice free-throws until the movement is automatic, like a machine.  That way, when they are standing in front of the crowd and under pressure, their performance is less likely to suffer from the situation.

Today I was thinking about how the social deficits of being autistic can cause an almost-constant performance anxiety whenever I’m around people.  I know that a lot of this, for me, comes from an unhealthy “fear of man” – that is, caring too much about what people think of me, and getting identity/value from that.  But at the same time, I need to know if what I’m doing or saying is having negative consequences.  I have a lifetime of memories of messing up.  I’ve unintentionally hurt feelings, caused people to think I was arrogant (instead of insecure and shy), made assumptions that led to damaged friendships.  This evening, I remembered reading a blog post about social anxiety and autism; I just looked it up, and once again she says so much good stuff I’ll recommend you go read it instead of trying to write my own version here.  For example:

When a person with impaired social communication abilities has anxiety about social situations, they are like a poor swimmer who is anxious about boarding a boat. The perceived risk is real and rational.

-Cynthia Kim, Musings of an Aspie:My Anxiety is Not Disordered

Taking college classes again, I’ve been frustrated by my desire for perfectionism.  I keep reminding myself that missing questions or losing points is an opportunity to learn, but I still want that 100%.  I’ve always been told how smart I am, and that was a big part of my identity – so the desire for good grades goes deeper than just wanting a good number on my resume so I can get a better job.  It means I spend too much time on assignments, worrying the whole time about if I’m doing it right and doing enough.  Like I said, it’s very frustrating.  (Oh, and this “perfectionism” topic could easily be a separate blog post.  Of course, there’s one worth reading over at Musings of an Aspie).


Another area where the perfectionism and performance anxiety are driving me nuts is my photography business.  I’m about ready to call it quits.  I get so anxious before the shoot – will I be able to get the shots they want?  And then there’s the viewing – will they like the shots?  And there’s the sales component, where I have to deal with the uncomfortable topic of money and asking them for it, and I have to talk myself up.  Oh, and the editing.  I spend too much time trying to “perfect” images before I even know which ones they will want (of course, it’s hard for them to know what they want if they can’t see how beautiful it will be in the end).  And even in applying edits I’m constantly doubting myself and anxious.  Ugh.  I do really love being able to give people beautiful portraits, especially of their kids.  I’m looking forward to getting a new career that pays all the bills so I can go back to giving away photography.

Speaking of giving away photography – I’m going to combat the negative feelings by ending with this photo.  At the totally amazing Jars 20 Celebration Weekend in Nashville, I gave the guys a gift.  I took a picture of some of Dad’s vinyl records, with my Jars of Clay albums mixed in.   They liked it 🙂

Resisting Gossip Together

I’m going off-topic again, but since I had shared about my pastor’s awesome book before, I wanted to share the update on new resources that are available.  Resisting Gossip Together is a companion book that can be used for individual or group study.  In addition, Pastor Matt recorded a series of short videos to go along with the book.  These videos can be purchased as a DVD, but his publisher has also made them freely available online for viewing and sharing!  Check them out for some solid Biblical wisdom.  Here’s the trailer and the first video to get you started:

Resisting Gossip Teaching Series: Trailer from Third Brother Films on Vimeo.

Resisting Gossip Teaching Series: Lesson 1 from Third Brother Films on Vimeo.

On Birthdays and Measuring Years

30. 1. 20.

We attach so much significance to our measurements of time.

I recently turned 30.
It’s been 1 year since I realized I have Asperger’s.
Jars of Clay is celebrating 20 years as a band. (Their new album is excellent, btw).

Jars 20

30. I don’t feel 30, of course. I’m not sure what 30 is supposed to feel like. Of course, life doesn’t look the way I expected it to look at 30.

One thing I wanted to write about was my birthday, and how it was an example of what I’ve learned over the past year. Here comes the Aspie problem of not knowing exactly how much back-story to give. . . to be brief, my 28th birthday was very sad and emotional because of a relationship situation. The next year, I planned to have a better birthday. I even had a party for the first time in years, complete with goodie bags!  Some of my favorite people came to visit, and the house got noisy when some family friends were in town and came by also.  But another relationship situation went down shortly after, which ended up tainting the weekend.

So this year I was back to not looking forward to my birthday.  Since the previous two were tainted by guys, I decided to not even mention that my birthday was coming up to the guy I was chatting with online.  Every time I thought about my birthday coming up, and tried to decide what I wanted to do (such as invite people over) I would just want to cry.  My very wise best friend encouraged me to “do something fun . . . like eat ice cream for breakfast, don’t do any school work, and watch HSM3 or Darren Criss.”

I took her advice.  (Well, I saved the HSM3 for the next weekend when she was coming to visit, and I had a different dessert for breakfast.)  I went to my morning work session, then relaxed at home with my parents and watched some movies with them.  Mom made delicious food.  I got a few thoughtful gifts from my family.

My bestie sent me this shirt. Link and Harry are my homeboys.

While some might see my change in behavior as “giving up” or withdrawing, I recognized it as growth in understanding and accepting myself.  Ever since I was small I have loved the *idea* of a party, but the party itself was often problematic.  I have a hard time splitting my time and attention properly when I’m with multiple people.  I have to be constantly “on” socially and concerned about how people from my different circles are getting along.  It can easily get noisy and overstimulating.  There’s the inevitable disappointments (too often I ended up crying in my room at parties) and the stress of opening gifts.  Tangent time!

I hate opening gifts.

I have theorized that this goes back to getting things like Barbie dolls as a child from people who don’t actually know me (like if I invited a classmate to a party and their mom never met me).  Talk about disappointing!  Like most people on the spectrum, I was never good at hiding my emotions and lying.  I know I’m supposed to act happy and grateful when I receive a gift, but that is SO HARD when it’s a disgusting magenta box with an ugly doll inside.  (I used to avoid the magenta toy aisle at all costs; I thought about taking a picture of one for the blog and decided it’s too awful, so I’ll skip it.)  So imagine it – being a little kid, excited to see what new toy is under the wrapping paper, but then seeing the hot pink and feeling seriously disappointed while having an audience – including someone who will feel sad if you show your disappointment, and you don’t want to make them feel sad.  It’s not fun.  And while I slowly got better at acting thankful, that trepidation still accompanies every wrapped gift and every surprise.   (Second tangent – I don’t like surprises. . . unsurprisingly, my relationship with a magician did not end well).

</tangent>

So, instead of stressing about organizing a get-together that would inevitably stress me out, and thinking about all the ways my birthday could be different, I decided to honor who I am and what I actually enjoy, and give myself the gift of a relaxing day of good things.  And I got to have other good things to look forward to, like my best friend and her family coming to visit and the arrival of the not-yet-available LEGO Mini Cooper my parents wanted to give me for my birthday:

LEGOS!

This was one birthday toy that did not disappoint! My inner-child was SO HAPPY.

Mini-Review: 600 Hours of Edward

I love this book.

It’s one of my favorites.

book cover and link

(That’s actually a quote from the book. Read the book, then you’ll know it’s funny.)

Mom and I read this book a few years ago. I think a coworker gave it to her. This was long before I realized I was on the spectrum, but of course autism has been a special interest of mine for a long time, and so we read quite a few books related to the topic.

This one is a work of fiction, yet reads like an amazing memoir. Edward is a 40-year-old man with Asperger’s and OCD. He is very realistically drawn and like my mom says, “You really root for him.”  As the title implies, the story takes place over a period of 25 days.  Although his world does get rocked, Edward first introduces us to his daily routine in a very repetitive fashion.  I remember when I first read the book finding parts boring and annoying (like the few pages he devotes to describing his top ten football games).  But when I read it a second time, I didn’t mind.  I recognized that the repetition and the “annoying” parts really work to give you a feel for what it’s like to know or to be someone with Asperger’s.  I will give a content warning – there is some profanity (mostly from his father) and the topic of sex is brought up.  But for mature readers this is still an excellent read.

As I read it this time I saved a few quotes to share with you.

First, dinner.  I will have the DiGiorno’s pizza.
It’s good, but it doesn’t taste like delivery, no matter what the TV commercial says.  I don’t think delivery has a taste.  It’s nonsensical.  Delivered pizza has a taste, but that’s not what the commercial says.  Imprecision frustrates me.

I love this guy.

I arrive early for two reasons: First, as I said, the lighting and wood paneling and the soft music help set me at ease.  Second, Dr. Buckley’s other, less-organized patients are always getting the magazines out of order.  I sometimes need the full 10 minutes to organize the magazines by titles and date.

Have I mentioned I like to organize things?

And of course another one of my favorites, because I have had this same problem in the world of online dating.  His therapist asks him about a woman he’s talking to online.

“She’s very pretty.”
“Anything else?”
“Her grammar is atrocious.”
“I think a high grammar standard may be a losing fight on the Internet.”

(Oh, his Letter of Complaint to the eHarmony founder is great, too.)

A final observation struck me this time as I closed the book – hope.  Despite all of his personal and situational struggles, the book left me feeling hopeful.  And that’s a pretty cool thing.

Another cool thing?  There’s a sequel!  And it’s awesome!